


Understandable

by route357 (checktheargyle)



Series: Understandable [1]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-04
Updated: 2007-09-04
Packaged: 2017-11-04 04:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/389768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/checktheargyle/pseuds/route357
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, the one you love can never be yours. </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written from 30.01.2007 to  29.08.2007. The fic was titled after & inspired by Yuichi's self-penned solo, _Understandable_. Takes place from the summer of 2006, up to late spring 2007. Angst alert: Read at your own risk.

"If we get together, and we break up later, we won't be able to remain as friends you know."  
  
There was a brief moment of silence, as Yuichi waited for Jin's reply.  
  
"You mean like how it is with Kazuya and me now?"  
  
There was a jolt through him as he took in Jin's question. Partly because of the reminder that Kazuya used to be with Jin, and partly out of surprise that Jin referred to the younger boy by that name instead of the usual "Kame" or "Kamenashi". He also felt a slight pang of jealousy at how easily the name rolled off Jin's tongue, as if those two were still together. But Yuichi couldn't tell who he was jealous of. Maybe both.  
  
"I can call you 'Yuichi' if you want me to."  
  
Yuichi's eyes widened. He was quite sure that he didn't voice out his thoughts. Jin just smirked at his look of confusion, suddenly leaning so close that their faces were only inches apart.  
  
"Yuichi, I might not look all that observant, but I know everything about you."  
  
Unsure about what Jin was implying, Yuichi retracted and hurried to get his things. "Sorry, I have to go."  
  
"Meeting Kazuya?"  
  
Yuichi stopped short. _Oh…_ So that's what Jin meant. Jin knew everything about him, even about the 'affair' he was having despite having taken pains to keep it a secret. Yuichi panicked for a second, wondering if it meant that Tomohisa knew about it too. But somehow, he could tell that Jin hadn't said a word to his best friend yet, for whatever reason.  
  
"So… is this a threat?"  
  
"No, I'm not blackmailing you if that's what you're thinking." Jin replied, sounding a little peeved at Yuichi's implication. "Seems like you don't know me that well, huh?"  
  
"I… Gomen." Yuichi apologised, head bowed as his eyes stared at the floor. There was silence between them once more, but it seemed like Jin wasn't going to say anything this time. Looking up finally, Yuichi tried to look into Jin's eyes, but found it difficult to do so. "Jin… I… I don't want to lose you as a friend."  
  
Jin didn't say a word. Not waiting for Jin this time, Yuichi turned to leave, though he was deliberately slow in his actions, as if hoping that Jin would stop him. Just as Yuichi's hand turned the door knob, he heard Jin's voice behind him.  
  
"Nakamaru, can you honestly say that you have absolutely no feelings for me at all?"  
  
Yuichi knew that Jin hated it when people lied to him, so he told the truth, even though it might only complicate things further.  
  
"No, I can't say that."  
  
"So you would miss me if I went overseas for a long time right?"  
  
"What?" Yuichi blinked, not sure if he heard Jin clearly.  
  
"Nothing." Jin smiled, before turning his back on Yuichi. "You should get going. Kame's probably waiting for you."  
  
Seeing that Jin didn't want to talk about it anymore, Yuichi finally left, but somehow feeling like he had left something important behind

* * * * *

Yuichi laid on the crumpled sheets, surrounded in darkness save for the light seeping from under the door to the bathroom, as he listened to the sound of running water.

He had lost track of how many times they had been doing this.

There was always some excuse to continue, even though both of them knew they should stop. Yuichi was amazed at himself for the fact that his guilt could just come and go so easily, like there was a switch to control his feelings, and right now that switched was turned on, as the guilt overwhelmed him once more. Every time, it was the same. Yet he did nothing to stop it.

Suddenly, he thought of Jin. Jin and the conversation they had earlier. Maybe Jin would be his saviour? Yuichi thought, before snorting. This was real life, not some scripted drama. And what was Jin supposed to save him from anyway? Maybe he didn't want to be saved…

The sound of running water stopped, filling the room with silence. Yuichi could hear his own deep breathing. Minutes later, the door to the bathroom opened, Kazuya, fully clothed, standing at the door way.

"Nakamaru, we have a photo shoot tomorrow right?" Kazuya asked, tone casual, as if nothing had happened between them.

Yuichi nodded, then realised that Kazuya might not be able to see him doing so. "Hai." Silence filled the room once more, as Yuichi watched the silhouette of Kazuya moving to pick up his bag and belongings.

"I've gotta get back... …Pi said he's coming over tonight." Kazuya informed Yuichi, before turning to leave. There was a pause, before Kazuya turned the knob and left the room.

Not for the first time, Yuichi wondered how long they could go on like this.

* * * * *

Standing at the foot of the building, Kazuya noticed light coming from the window to the apartment he shared with his lover, indicating that Tomohisa was already home. Kazuya sighed, knowing that he'd have to come up with some excuse about finishing work late.

He loved Tomohisa, he really did. But some things were just… complicated. Their relationship was complicated since the start, or at least it was to Kazuya, maybe not so to the older boy. Maybe it was because he was the one complicating things, Kazuya thought.

"You're finally back." Tomohisa greeted him as he closed the door behind him. "Where have you been? I dropped by at the set, wanting to pick you up from there, but they said that you'd already left."

"Oh you did? You should have given me a call first." Kazuya replied. He was amazed at how calm he still sounded. His excuse that work finished late wouldn't help now. He would just have to come up with something else.

"I wanted to give you a surprise." Tomohisa smiled, before pouting. "But you weren't there."

Kazuya leaned in to kiss Tomohisa on the lips. "Gomen ne, Pi. I just… needed to take a breather... went for a walk that's all."

Arms wrapped around him, Kazuya let Tomohisa pull him into a warm embrace. "Don't overwork yourself ne. I know we've both been busy and hardly get to see each other, but if you ever need me, you know I'll be there."

Kazuya nodded, a sense of guilt washing over him. He had Tomohisa, who loved him very much. And he loved the other too. So what more could he ask for?

Apparently… Yuichi.

* * * * *

Jin yawned, before taking another bite of his bagel, while his best friend sat opposite him, pouting.

He was pretty much immune to Tomohisa's whole puppy dog look, and would have completely ignored the existence of the other. Except that Tomohisa wasn't much of a morning person, and for him to actually drag Jin out and offer to pay for breakfast, Jin figured that there was something his best friend wanted to talk about.

After a few more bites, Jin took the hint that he was expected to prod the other for information."So, what's bothering you so much that you decided to invite ore-sama out for breakfast?"

"There's nothing bothering me."

Jin noticed the pout on Tomohisa's lips deepen, and had the urge to throw something at the younger boy's head.

"Pi, if there's nothing bothering you, I'm sure you'll be back in that small cosy apartment you share with your boyfriend, having breakfast in bed. And I don't even want to know what kind of breakfast it is."

"Kazuya's gone to work." Tomohisa replied. "He's been busy. He was back late last night."

"Yeah, of course. He has a drama to film. And if I remember correctly, there's a photo shoot later too."

Of course Jin didn't see any reason to add that Kazuya was involved in _other_ activities. Partly because he didn't want Yuichi to be beaten up by his best friend and partly because he didn't think he should be the one telling Tomohisa anyway.

"You seem to know Kazuya's schedule really well, huh?"

"Duh, I'm in the same group as him." Jin rolled his eyes as he drank a gulp of his coffee.

"What time does your shoot end today?"

"Erm, around four? You're coming over?"

"Yeah." Tomohisa nodded, before getting up from his seat. "Are you done eating? I gotta get to work."

"You can go ahead first. I'm still hungry. Just leave some extra cash here so that I can pay later."

Jin watched as Tomohisa shook his head while placing some notes on the table, before waving and leaving the café. After pondering for a while, Jin took out his cell phone and dialled a familiar number.

"Nakamaru? Have you had breakfast? …Wanna join me? Pi gave me some money so it's his treat."

* * * * *

Yuichi was practising his beat box, but he wasn't really a hundred percent focused. Instead, he was secretly watching two people, each at different ends of the room, so he had to alternate between both corners of his eyes.

On one end, Jin was busy wrestling with Koki. At the other end, Kazuya was quietly reading some magazine.

They had plans that night, he and Kazuya, but Yuichi knew that tonight had to be cancelled, after hearing from Jin that Tomohisa was coming over, and at any moment now. He hadn't had the opportunity to tell Kazuya yet though.

Just then, Kazuya put the magazine aside and got up from his seat, about to saunter over to where Yuichi was when the door to the room opened, and Tomohisa stepped in. Yuichi stupidly almost went into panic mode, but managed to stay calm. Instead he turned his back on Kazuya and walked over to where Jin and Koki were.

"Kazuya~"

"Eh?" Kazuya was surprised to see Tomohisa there. The other should have been busy with work, so his appearance wasn't expected. In fact, the older boy was supposed to finish work really late that night, and they would probably not see each other until tomorrow.

Tomohisa embraced Kazuya, speaking softly into the latter's ear. "I finished work early today. Since for once you have some time to spare, let's go on a date, okay? I missed you."

Kazuya chuckled. "We just saw each other this morning."

"I know. But I still miss you."

"Oi, Yamapi!" Jin's voice interrupted them. He and Koki had already stopped wrestling, and Koki was now trying to beat box along with Yuichi. "You come in here without knocking on the door, and never even said 'hello' to any of us? Not even your best friend, ore-sama?"

"Ah, I didn't even notice that you were here, Bakanishi."

"Che." Jin made a face, before turning to whack Yuichi and Koki on the head. "Urusai!"

"You're the one who's urusai." Koki remarked as he rubbed his head. "You're one violent baka."

"You're just bitter because I'm stronger than you."

"As if! I was totally kicking your ass earlier."

"Nakamaru, you be the judge. Who's stronger? Who was kicking whose ass at wrestling just now?"

"You can't ask him. He was too busy spitting to take notice." Koki protested, before getting hit on the head again by Yuichi this time.

From the corner of his eye, Yuichi saw that Kazuya's eyes were on him the whole time. It made him feel uncomfortable, especially since Tomohisa was in the room too. _Don't look at me! Look at your own boyfriend! Don't let him get any more suspicious!_ Yuichi's mind was screaming. Refusing to make eye contact with Kazuya, Yuichi kept his attention on Jin instead.

"Hey, let's go and eat!" Jin said as he put an arm around Yuichi's shoulder.

Yuichi nodded. "Alright!" Putting on his most genki appearance, Yuichi added. "We can go for karaoke after that!"

"I wanna go along too." Koki said.

"No, you can't." Yuichi rejected Koki immediately. "Jin and I are going on a date so you can't come along."

Jin almost laughed out loud then, hearing Yuichi's words, while Koki merely put on a hurt look.

"Fine! I have a drama to film anyway, unlike you two lazy bums who have no work to do." Koki said, as he stalked off in a melodramatic fashion.

"You have very entertaining group mates." Tomohisa commented to Kazuya.

"Hm? Ah, uh yeah."

"Ja, we're going on our date now then." Jin announced to everyone as he and Yuichi picked up their bags. Grabbing onto Yuichi's hand, Jin did his signature Hayato-V-sign with his other hand. "Bye bye!

"Maybe we should go on a double date with them the next time." Tomohisa chuckled. Kazuya only vaguely heard what Tomohisa said, as he watched the two leave, a sick feeling in his stomach starting to brew.

* * * * *

“I don’t like being used, you know.” Jin told Yuichi as they walked along the streets looking for a place to eat.

“Sorry.”

“Ah well it’s my own fault isn’t it? After all I was the one who asked you to go out with me to eat.” Jin cocked his head to one side. “You guys had plans tonight, huh?”

“Yeah… You actually did me a favour.” Yuichi answered, smiling half-heartedly.

“I don’t think avoiding him is the best solution though.”

“I wasn’t avoiding him.”

“Yes you were. I can tell.” Jin insisted. He had noticed Yuichi’s uneasiness the whole day ever since their conversation over breakfast. “I know everything about you, remember?”

“I wasn’t- Okay, maybe I was avoiding him a little.”

“You were still sneaking glances at him though.” Jin chuckled.

“You even noticed that?”

“I even noticed that sometimes you weren’t looking at him, but at me instead.”

Yuichi blushed, embarrassed at having been caught looking. “Have you been staring at me all day or something?” He mumbled.

Jin shrugged. “Only when I can’t help it, which I’m not sure but it could be almost all day.”

Yuichi suspected that the reason why girls fell for Jin so easily was because Jin had a way of saying things that made one feel so… he couldn’t find the right word but it was whatever he was feeling right now. Was this how Kazuya always felt when the two used to be together? Yuichi wondered. Squashing those feelings within him, Yuichi reminded himself that such similar feelings were what got him into this mess in the first place.

“Jin, you’re almost like a stalker. Staring at me and knowing so many things about me.”

Jin laughed. “I prefer to say that I’m a very good spy instead of a stalker.”

“Pft.” Yuichi rolled his eyes. “Alright then, James Bond. Where are we going to eat?”

“The name is Akanishi. Jin Akanishi.” Jin said in English, in his best impersonation of the fictional spy, which Yuichi couldn’t say was very good. Jin then pointed to a shop across the street as he switched back to Japanese. “How about we eat over there?”

“Anything’s fine with me.”

“Are you fine with me treating this as a _real_ date then?”

“Hm, ii yo.”

“Ja, ikou!” Jin grinned, before grabbing a hold of Yuichi’s hand and pulling him along as they crossed the street junction.

* * * * *

Kazuya felt annoyed.

Everything that Tomohisa did right now was getting on his nerves, even though he knew that it was probably not Tomohisa’s fault. Not totally anyway. It was partially his lover’s fault for springing a surprise visit and dragging him out on a date, spoiling the plans he had tonight.

It normally didn’t bother him, but at that moment in time, Tomohisa’s whole Kusano-Akira-has-taken-over-my-body act which was normally quite adorable was now plain irritating, and Kazuya felt like how Kiritani Shuji felt in the beginning.

He knew that he shouldn’t be behaving like a jerk though. It had been ages since the two of them last had a date, although it could never really feel like a real proper date when both were male and famous and in the public eye. Putting that aside, Kazuya knew that he should at least appear to enjoy himself.

Gee, he really was becoming a real life Shuji, wasn’t he? And as usual, Akira could see past the charade.

“What’s wrong?” Tomohisa asked Kazuya, worry etched onto his features. “Are you feeling alright?”

Kazuya was about to dismiss the other’s concerns when his eyes fell upon two people he really wasn’t in the mood to see right now. Across the street, he spotted Jin pulling Yuichi by the hand, heading towards a karaoke place just up ahead. Kazuya scowled.

“Kazu-chan?” Tomohisa nudged Kazuya when he didn’t get a response from his boyfriend, just a scowl appearing on Kazuya’s face instead. He followed Kazuya’s line of sight and saw what had gotten Kazuya’s attention.

Silence followed, before being broken by Tomohisa.

“Did… did something happen between you and Jin?”

Kazuya blinked, taken aback by the question and unsure about what Tomohisa meant. “Huh?”

“I mean, as in, did the two of you fight or something? Cos you look like you’re angry at him.”

“No, we didn’t fight. It’s kind of hard to have an argument with someone you hardly talk to, isn’t it?” Kazuya replied with a wry smile. He couldn’t deny it though, that he was mad at Jin.

Tomohisa winced, before changing the subject. “C’mon, let’s go back. You look tired. You were so snappy the whole time.”

“Gomen.” Kazuya apologised, and he really meant it, in more than one way.

Tomohisa shook his head. “It’s okay. I understand. I’m pretty nasty myself when I’m extremely tired, and I know I can occasionally be a pain in the ass in the mornings.”

Kazuya raised his eyebrows at the other’s choice of words. “Yes, you can be a total _pain in the ass_ , almost all the time in fact.”

“Hm?” Tomohisa furrowed his eyebrows, before laughing out loud when he understood what Kazuya was implying. He broke into a grin. “But you love me anyway, don’t you?”

* * * * *


	2. Chapter 2

For the second day in a row, Jin had been dragged out of bed to have breakfast with his best friend. While he would normally agree to free breakfast, this was starting to get a bit disturbing for Jin. This time though, he didn’t have to prod Tomohisa.

“Were you mad at me when I started going out with Kazuya?”

Jin made a face. “No? Why are you asking me this all of a sudden?”

“Well, it’s just that, I never did ask if you were alright with the idea, did I? We’re best friends, and I should have probably been more sensitive towards your feelings. Instead, I simply went after Kazuya upon learning that you two had broken up.”

Jin rubbed his eyes. “Technically, we never really broke up.”

“What?”

“Well, when you asked all I said was that it’s almost as if he and I were not together at all considering how far apart we’ve grown. But technically, he and I never really said ‘it’s over’ to each other.” Jin shrugged as he yawned. He waited for his best friend’s reply, sipping on his coffee to try to keep himself awake.

“… I guess it makes sense now.”

“What makes sense?”

“I’m the one who’s the third party.”

“Huh? Pi, what the heck are you talking about?” Jin frowned. It took him awhile to figure out what Tomohisa was mumbling all about, putting together the weird, random conversations of these two mornings. “Oh, you think Kame’s cheating on you with me?”

“It’s not cheating if I’m the one who’s interfering right?”

“Okay, I’m not too sure what you’re rattling on about, but there’s nothing between Kame and I now.” Jin replied, slightly exasperated. “Yes, technically we didn’t break up in the normal way or whatever you call it, but we were becoming such strangers and there was no future for us. So no, I’m not mad at you for going out with him. And no, he’s not having an affair with me.”

“…”

“I’m telling you the truth… Really! You should know that I don’t like lies… You believe me, right?”

Obviously, Jin once again felt that there was no reason for him to add that it didn’t mean Kazuya wasn’t having an affair with someone else. It wasn’t a lie. He was just not volunteering additional information. Jin suddenly felt like the sky had suddenly darkened though, as if a storm was coming their way, as dramatic as it sounded.

“Yeah, I believe you… You’re my best friend after all… You wouldn’t hide anything from me, would you?”

* * * * *

Kazuya glanced at Yuichi as the two of them continued practising their dance routine. Strangely enough, the two of them had arrived an hour early for practice, and the others weren’t here yet. It was rare lately for them to be together, all alone, just the two of them, with no sex involved. The thought rather disturbed Kazuya. He didn’t want their relationship to be only on a physical level.

“Ne, let’s go on a date.” Kazuya said nonchalantly.

“Huh? Nani?!” Yuichi stopped dancing, turning to stare at Kazuya as if the younger boy had grown horns on his head.

“We’ve not gone on a date yet.” Kazuya stated, before adding. “And you’ve already been on a date with Akanishi.”

“That wasn’t a date. We were just hanging out.” Yuichi said, but Kazuya could tell he was lying. “And you know that we can’t possibly go on a date either.”

“Well no one else needs to know we’re on a date. To everyone else we’re just ‘hanging out’ as you like to put it.” Kazuya said bitterly.

“True, but… Kame, we need to be more careful.”

“Be careful of what?” Kazuya’s voice was tinged with impatience and annoyance. “It’s not like I’m asking you to hold my hand while we’re on the date or something. Though it’s not like you care whether the whole world can see you holding hands with Akanishi.”

“What?” Yuichi blinked, absorbing what Kazuya just said. How did the latter know about him holding hands with Jin? Although it was only once, and actually, it was more like Jin was pulling him around by the hand. Did Kazuya spot them? Was Kazuya jealous?

“You’re jealous.” Yuichi said, more as a statement than a question.

“Yes, I am! Of course I am!” Kazuya said, not bothering to deny it. “You’re always with him nowadays! You’re always doing something with him. You’re never hanging out with me anymore.”

He often became like that when he was around Yuichi, behaving like a spoilt child and throwing a tantrum, sometimes over nothing. But this wasn’t ‘nothing’. Yuichi was ‘hanging out’ with Jin, holding hands with Jin, doing everything with Jin that Yuichi would probably never do with Kazuya because Kazuya was ‘taken’.

Kazuya felt like he was losing Yuichi, and it made him even more upset that of all people, he was losing Yuichi to Jin.

“That’s because I have to do the project with him for 24-jikan, while you’re busy filming your drama.” Yuichi explained, trying to keep calm. “That’s why we don’t see each other as often.”

“Fine, then let’s go out on a date then. I’m off this Sunday.”

“I can’t. I’m busy.”

“What? Hanging out with Akanishi again?”

“No, I’m going out shopping with Masuda.” Yuichi replied, exasperated. “Could you stop bringing Jin into this argument?” He could understand why Kazuya was upset, but he really wished that the younger boy would stop making him feel guilty about spending time with Jin. It wasn’t as if he was involved in a romantic relationship with Jin. They were just hanging out as friends.

“Who says this is an argument? And why can’t I bring him into the conversation?”

“Because he has nothing to do with this- this thing that we have and I don’t even know what we’re doing anymore!”

Kazuya was taken aback by Yuichi’s sudden outburst. There was a moment of silence, before Kazuya spoke up. “So… you want to break up?”

“I- I didn’t say that.”

“Maybe you’ll be happier with Jin?” Kazuya’s voice was almost inaudible, and Yuichi couldn’t tell if it was a question or a statement.

“Like I said, don’t bring him into this. It has nothing to do with him.”

“Yes it does. I’m so screwed up now because of him. I wouldn’t have gotten together with Pi if it wasn’t because of him, if it wasn’t because I wanted to piss him off so bad. And if I’m not with Pi now, I can be with you and we wouldn’t have to worry about any damn thing.”

“…Or you might still be with Jin.”

Kazuya laughed at Yuichi’s comment. “That’s probably impossible.”

“Do you still love him?”

“What?” Kazuya was a little surprise. “…No.”

“You hesitated.” Yuichi smiled half-heartedly. “Maybe… maybe you aren’t jealous of Jin after all. Maybe you were just jealous of me.”

“What? I don’t understand-”

Before Kazuya could finish his sentence, the door to their practice room opened, as Tatsuya and Junnosuke strolled in and greeted them. Yuichi turned away from Kazuya, letting the argument end there, and going back to practising the dance steps.

Kazuya had that sick feeling in his stomach again. If he thought he was losing Yuichi, well he probably lost him completely now.

* * * * *

“This might sound rather strange, I must say, but…” Tatsuya began, pausing a bit to ponder before continuing his question to Yuichi, “…did you get into a fight with Kame or something?”

Trust Tatsuya to be observant enough to notice, as long as he wasn’t stuck in his own world which he often was. Knowing that it wasn’t something he could talk to Tatsuya about though, Yuichi just shook his head.

“Nah…”

Tatsuya looked at him for a few seconds, probably able to see that Yuichi wasn’t telling the truth, but contemplating whether to push the subject. In the end, he left it alone.

“Guess it was just my imagination then.” Tatsuya shrugged, walking off and deciding that Yuichi would have told him if he really wanted to.

Yuichi smiled, touched by his friend’s understanding. From the corner of his eye, he could see Kazuya seated on the floor, wet towel covering his head, and a drink bottle in his hand.

He never really liked getting into arguments. As Koki often said, Yuichi liked things to be peaceful, which was why only a few hours after his argument with Kazuya, Yuichi was already feeling guilty.

Kazuya had put doubts in his mind.

All this time, he assumed he was spending time with Jin merely as friends. But maybe Jin didn’t see it that way. Maybe even he didn’t see it that way, but just didn’t realise it.

“Is that supposed to be Bob Sap’s facial expression when he’s trying to think?”

A voice broke his thoughts. Yuichi just realised then that Jin was waving a hand in front of his face, and swatted the hand away.

“Of course not.”

“Really? I was so sure that it was.” Jin laughed. “Anyway, I thought I should let you know that it’s not safe for you to stand here daydreaming.”

“Why? It’s not like I’m going to walk into a pillar or something.”

_No, but with that cute expression of yours, you could be attacked by someone like me without knowing_ , Jin thought, but said otherwise. “The pillar might walk into you.”

“Baka! There’s no such thing as walking pillars!” Yuichi rolled his eyes as he whacked Jin on the head. Suddenly, he noticed Kazuya’s attention on them, eyes shooting daggers. “Jin, we’re just friends right?”

Jin blinked, obviously taken by surprise by the question popping out from the blue. “Eh… yeah, we are. Nande?”

“I just wanted to be sure.” Yuichi said, and added as Jin raised an eyebrow. “As in, just wanted to be sure that you, well, didn’t take things the, er, wrong way.”

Jin smiled half-heartedly. “You’re even more evil than I thought.” _You’re practically rejecting me twice._

“Eh?”

“Nothing.” Jin shook his head. Pausing for a moment, Jin then indicated towards Kazuya’s direction. “Anyway, you’re sure it’s okay if you leave it like that? Though I don’t know what it’s all about…”

Yuichi glanced at Kazuya, who was covering his head with the towel once more. He sighed. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Do…” Jin began, as he turned and started to walk away, before pausing in mid-step. “Do what your heart tells you to do.”  


* * * * *

“Let’s break up.”

Kazuya said, after much contemplation.

He had thought long and hard about the whole situation, and knew that he had to fix this mess before it got any more complicated. If only he had been more mature, if only he had better control of his own feelings, this could have all been avoided.

Kazuya was mad at himself. When he thought about whom he truly loved the most, he found himself unsure. But he knew he had to choose.

With Tomohisa, it was purely one-sided at first. His feelings only grew over time, but sometimes, Kazuya wondered if it was only because he felt obligated to return those feelings.

With Yuichi, Kazuya had no idea when he had started falling in love with the other. It could have been the first time they kissed, albeit they were both drunk then. Or maybe it was since the very first time they met, waiting at the wrong venue on the first day after joining the jimusho. Maybe back then, he hadn’t realised because…

…There was Jin.

_“Maybe… maybe you aren’t jealous of Jin after all. Maybe you were just jealous of me.”_

Yuichi’s words repeated in his mind. He didn’t agree with what Yuichi said. Surely he had gotten over Jin? But then again, realising that he didn’t even have a clear idea as to who he loved, Kazuya wasn’t sure of himself anymore.

And so, to be fair to everyone else, he was going to put an end to the mess he created.

“Yamapi, let’s break up.”

* * * * *

Having received an unexpected call from Tomohisa, Yuichi stepped into the bar, and immediately spotted the other at a booth. Two girls had draped themselves all over the younger man, who didn’t bother rejecting their advances.

“Yamapi.”

“Ah, Nakamaru, you’re finally here.” Tomohisa greeted as he indicated to the two girls to leave them alone for a while. He patted the now vacant space next to him. “Here. Sit over here.”

Yuichi hesitated, before sitting down next to the other, leaving a slight space in between. Tomohisa merely stared at him, looking up and down, making Yuichi feel extremely uncomfortable under the other’s gaze.

Had Tomohisa figured out everything? Was he going to get punched by the other? Yuichi knew he probably deserved it if that was the case.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Tomohisa finally spoke up.

“I just want to know, are you really good in bed?”

“Wh-What?” If Yuichi had been drinking something, he would have spit everything out in shock. That wasn’t what he expected Tomohisa to ask at all.

“I was just thinking… Since Kame picked you over me, you must be much better than me in bed.”

Yuichi blinked, as he took in what Tomohisa was saying. He was perturbed by the way Tomohisa made Kazuya sound like someone who chose lovers purely based on ability in bed. It irked him so much that he had a sudden urge to punch the younger man.

“You know, it’s got me really curious.” Tomohisa continued. “I would really like to find out.”

Before Yuichi realised, Tomohisa had closed the gap and placed his hand on Yuichi’s thigh, inching closer and closer to his crotch as Yuichi quickly moved away.

“Yamapi! You’re drunk!”

“Apparently, one can get away with anything while one’s drunk, huh?” Tomohisa snapped, as he moved his hand away. “After all, weren’t you two lovebirds drunk when you two hooked up?”

“I-” Yuichi was at a lost for words. How much did Kazuya tell the other man? He suddenly started to worry about how Kazuya was doing right now.

“Nakamaru, you might think you’ve won, but the truth is, we’re both losers.” Tomohisa’s voice broke Yuichi’s thoughts once more, his voice filled with bitterness. “Because in the end…”

In the end, what?

“In the end, he’ll pick Jin over either of us.”

* * * * *


	3. Chapter 3

When Jin picked up his cell phone, he was a little surprise to see Kazuya’s name on the screen. After all, it wasn’t like the two of them had much to talk about these days, and if there was anything, they would just talk about it at work.

“Moshi moshi.”

“…” There was silence at first, and Jin started to wonder if Kazuya had accidentally dialled his number without realising, when Kazuya’s voice finally filtered through. “Jin, it’s me.”

Jin frowned when he noticed the strangeness in Kazuya’s voice. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, really… Just that…” Kazuya paused, trying to figure out how he should put his question across, in the end deciding that with Jin, it was best to just be straightforward. “Why did you dump me back then?”

Jin was taken aback. First Tomohisa, now Kazuya. He really had not expected such a question from Kazuya though. “What do you mean by dumping you?”

“It’s not like we had a proper break up… I didn’t even know we weren’t together anymore until Pi told me about it.”

Jin sighed. “Kame, I’m sorry, I didn’t think that you would see it that way.” He should have known that Kazuya had taken things the wrong way, thus the hostility between them sometimes. “I… I thought it was mutual… It’s not like we were behaving like a couple anymore. We just grew apart. It was as good as us not being together anymore. So I thought…”

“I see.”

Silence followed. Jin wasn’t sure what to say to Kazuya, and was also wondering what Kazuya was thinking right now. He wondered what made the latter suddenly bring this topic of conversation up. Did something happen between Kazuya and Tomohisa?

“Jin… I really loved you back then.” Kazuya suddenly said, surprising Jin once again. “But I don’t love you like that anymore.” 

A small smile played on Jin’s lips. “I know.”

“It’s not funny. Don’t laugh.”

Jin chuckled softly. He could already see the frown on Kazuya’s face. “I’m not laughing. And just to let you know, it’s the same with me.”

“I know.” Kazuya replied. There was another brief moment of silence, and Jin wondered what else Kazuya would say to him, when Kazuya decided to end the call. “Goodnight, Jin.”

“Goodnight, Kazuya.”

* * * * *

Kazuya sat down on the floor after he finished the dance routine, grabbing the bottle of mineral water closest to him. He bit on the bottle cap, as he glanced at Yuichi.

After days of filming for his drama, Kazuya finally had the opportunity to meet up with the group, specifically Yuichi, again for practice. He had spent the day trying to get Yuichi’s attention so that he could speak to the latter in private. Somehow, it was to no avail.

He wasn’t stupid. It was obvious that Yuichi was avoiding him. Or another way to look at it was that Yuichi had decided to glue himself to Tatsuya.

Kazuya scowled. The last time he had spoken with Yuichi, they didn’t end off on a happy note. That didn’t mean he expected Yuichi to switch ‘interests’ so quickly.

“You’re not the only one he’s avoiding.”

Kazuya turned to look at Jin who had settled down next to him. He hesitated, unsure of how he should react to Jin’s statement, as Jin continued.

“He’s avoiding the both of us.” Jin glanced at Kazuya, who still had his teeth on the bottle cap. “And I think you should stop biting. I know of this small girl who used to do that and once, her tooth came out when she bit a table.”

“Thanks for your concern, but I don’t think my teeth are going to drop out so easily.” Kazuya rolled his eyes, but put the bottle aside anyway.

There was a brief moment of silence, before Jin spoke up again.

“I like him.”

“… Who-”

“Nakamaru.”

“Oh.”

“He likes you better though.” Jin said, as he stood up, stretching his arms. “Ah, makes me wonder what I’m doing here.”

Kazuya frowned, confused by Jin’s words, but the other had already started to walk away. Without thinking, he called out to the other.

“Jin!”

Jin stopped in his tracks, turning back to look at the younger man. Kazuya bit his lip. He didn’t know what to say. That he liked Yuichi too? That he broke up with Tomohisa with the intention to try to work things out with Yuichi, and wasn’t going to let Jin have the older man? That despite everything, he still wanted Jin as his friend?

In the end, Kazuya shook his head, signalling to Jin that it was nothing, and keeping his thoughts to himself.

* * * * *

“Jin!”

Yuichi immediately turned his attention towards the other two upon hearing Kazuya’s voice. The truth was, he had been secretly watching them from the corner of his eye, even when he was busy chatting with Tatsuya.

He wasn’t able to hear what they said though. It was comforting nonetheless to see them actually talk to each other, even if it meant that Tomohisa’s words might come true.

“Nakamaru?”

Yuichi turned back to Tatsuya, who was looking at him with a face full of concern. He tried to laugh. “Ueda, your face is so weird.”

“Yours is weirder, and it’s not even funny.”

That had easily wiped the fake smile off Yuichi’s face.

Tatsuya sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want to interfere, but could you please do something about those two? I don’t think it’s a good image for KAT-TUN to have two moping zombies as the lead singers.”

“What makes you think I’ve got anything to do with those two behaving like that?” Yuichi feigned ignorance.

“Because I can sometimes feel murderous stares directed at me.” Tatsuya remarked. “Jin looks as if I’ve stolen his toy, while Kame obviously wants to talk to you about something.”

“You’re just imagining things.” Yuichi waved dismissively.

Tatsuya stared at his best friend.

Yuichi sighed in defeat. “Okay, okay. I promise that I’ll go see if I can do something about it later, alright?”

“Yes, I’ll appreciate that very much, thank you.”

* * * * *

The others had already left, leaving only Yuichi and Kazuya in the room. Yuichi had been reluctant, but he had made a promise to ‘do something about it’ and so here he was, alone with Kazuya, and probably already aware of what the latter was going to say.

“I broke up with Yamapi.”

Yuichi nodded. “I know. He told me the other night.”

Kazuya was taken aback. “What? Did he hurt you? Did-”

“I’m fine.” Yuichi assured Kazuya. “No bruises on my face after all, right?”

“That’s good.” Kazuya heaved a sigh of relief.

“Kame.”

“Nakamaru.”

Both said simultaneously. Yuichi signalled for Kazuya to go ahead first.

“I… I know I haven’t been fair to you.” Kazuya stared at his feet, pausing for a few seconds, before looking back up at Yuichi. “I brought you into this whole mess, and behaved as if I was the only one with the dilemma. I never really considered how you felt.”

Yuichi shook his head. “It’s not entirely your fault. I walked right into this whole situation on my own accord. You could even say that I created the mess.”

Kazuya half smiled. “Even though our relationship is so messed up right now, would you… Would you give us another chance?”

Yuichi didn’t say a word, and it was making Kazuya nervous. Feeling uneasy about the silence, Kazuya continued. 

“I would like to give it a try… to see if maybe we could work things out, to start afresh… and just see how things go.”

He waited. That was all he could do now, wait for Yuichi’s reply. Otherwise he might end up babbling things that no one could comprehend. He felt his heart sink though, when Yuichi finally spoke.

“I don’t think we should continue.”

“Why?” Kazuya blurted out, unable to help himself.

“Because…” Yuichi took a deep breath. He felt like his chest tighten, his throat getting dry, but told himself that he had to do this now. “Because I think we both don’t know what we want right now. We both don’t know where our heart lies… It’s better to stop now, instead of letting ourselves sink deeper into this and finding it difficult and painful to end it later.”

“We might be happy together.”

“Not the way things are now.”

“Is it because…” _Is it because of Jin?_ Kazuya had wanted to ask, but decided against it.

Maybe Yuichi was right. Maybe they needed a break right now. Maybe things would be different in the future. Still, his heart hurt so much, that Kazuya could hardly hold back the tears in his eyes.

“Hey, don’t cry.” Yuichi’s voice was shaky as well. He took a step closer to Kazuya, hesitating, before putting a hand on the latter’s cheek, gently rubbing away the tear that had escaped.

Kazuya’s hands gripped onto Yuichi’s shirt, clinging on tightly at first, before firmly pushing the other away. “Please, just leave now.”

Taking a step back, Yuichi paused, unsure if he should leave Kazuya the way he was right now, but the latter only repeated himself.

“Please leave. Leave now before I change my mind.”

Yuichi closed his eyes for a few seconds, taking a deep breath before turning around, and walking out of the room.

He didn’t expect to find Jin outside.

“Yo.”

“… Yo.” Yuichi returned the greeting in similar fashion, not knowing what else there was to say.

They walked along side by side towards the elevator, both keeping quiet, something rather unusual for the both of them. When the elevator doors closed, Jin finally turned to Yuichi.

“Why did you just to do that?"

“It was for the best.”

“Throwing away your happiness was for the best?”

“You know, I would have thought that you would be happy with my decision.” Yuichi retorted, annoyed at the fact that Jin seemed to be reprimanding him.

“What’s there to be happy about? It’s not like you’re picking me, are you?” Jin sighed. “You’re choosing to be alone, thinking it’s best for everyone, but it’s not.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Yeah, you’re right about that. But from what I can understand, you love him. I’m happy that you even feel anything for me, but the one your heart wants isn’t me, it’s him. So just be with him and stop running away.”

“What the hell, Jin!” Yuichi raised his arms, exasperated. “Don’t act all mature about this. It’s easier said than done, alright?”

“Well if it’s going to make things easier, why don’t you just pretend that I don’t exist?”

“I can’t do that! It’s not possible to act as if you don’t exist. That’s just ridiculous.”

“It’s possible.” Jin said as the elevator doors opened and he stepped out. “You’ll get used to it.”

* * * * *

Things were back to normal, almost.

Yuichi remembered once telling Jin that it would be difficult staying friends if they got together then broke up. It was difficult at first with Kazuya.

Things felt awkward, but both of them were the type who would think of the group. For the sake of the group, they acted as if everything was fine and they were still good friends, like they had always been. Furthermore, he didn’t want to lose Kazuya forever, so he tried his best to behave like everything was normal.

It was even the same with Jin. Their last conversation appeared to have been forgotten, and they were back to being their noisy selves.

So even though he was stuck with them for twenty-four hours and possibly more because of the show, Yuichi felt that it wasn’t as bad as he had first expected.

That was until Jin dropped the bomb on all of them, saying that he wanted to take a break to go to America to study English.

“Nakamaru.” Kazuya nudged Yuichi when he found the other sitting around, staring into space. “Nakamaru.”

“Hm?”

Kazuya chuckled. “You appeared so supportive of his decision earlier, yet now you’re looking as if the world has ended.”

“You exaggerate.” Yuichi mumbled.

“You can cry if you want to.”

Yuichi turned to look at Kazuya, about to say that he was not a cry baby but felt his eyes sting, and turned away instead, closing his eyes. “Jin told me that I should be with you.”

Kazuya was taken aback. Didn’t Jin like Yuichi too? Having known Jin for so long, the idea of the older man giving way to him seemed unimaginable.

“He even said that if it was easier, I should pretend that he didn’t even exist. He even said that I’ll get used to it.” Yuichi laughed bitterly to himself. “Who knew that this was what he meant.”

“You care a lot about what he says.” Kazuya commented as he took a seat next to Yuichi. Somehow, he felt like he could understand Yuichi better now. He could understand why Yuichi did what he did.

Yuichi didn’t reply, but the silence between them felt rather comforting. After several minutes where the two of them sat side by side, neither saying a word, Kazuya finally stood up.

“Hey, I just want you to know, that whenever you need me, I’ll be by your side.”

Yuichi looked up at Kazuya, a small smile on his face. “Thank you.”

Kazuya smiled back, before slowly walking away.

_Arigatou, Kame._

* * * * *

The day before the press conference, Kazuya asked him over the phone if Yuichi was his reason for leaving. Jin scoffed at the idea.

“What does Nakamaru have anything to do with me learning English?” Jin remarked to Kazuya.

“Not that… I’ve nothing against you learning English.” Kazuya replied. “It’s just that-”

“No.” Jin cut Kazuya off. “He’s not the reason. I’ve already told you guys, it’s something I’ve thought about for a long time.”

“I know. But why now?”

“If not now, then when? Never?”

“Preferably.”

Jin sighed. He knew that he was partially lying by saying that Yuichi wasn’t one of the reasons for going on a hiatus at this point in time. It wasn’t that Yuichi was the main reason; after all, going to study abroad was something that had been on his mind for a while. However, Jin did feel like he needed to get away from Yuichi for a while, if only to remain sane.

“I’m not leaving forever, you know.” Jin said, feeling the need to reassure Kazuya, who he knew was feeling worried and uneasy over this whole situation. “In any case, you get to have him to yourself for six months. Shouldn’t you be happy?”

“You should know that we broke it off.”

“That doesn’t mean that you two can’t get back together.”

“Argh, you’re such an idiot, Akanishi!” Kazuya grumbled, sounding extremely frustrated.

Jin laughed. Maybe he really was an idiot, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

“Kame.”

“Hm?”

“Besides you, no one else is allowed to have him, alright?”

Kazuya sighed melodramatically. “Fine, if you’re so insistent, I’ll keep him for myself. And don’t expect me to give him back to you when you come back.”

Jin chuckled, a half-hearted smile playing on his lips. “He was never mine to begin with.”

* * * * *

“I remember.”

Yuichi had pulled Jin aside after the press conference, questions nagging at his mind. Jin, meanwhile, was completely lost as to what Yuichi was referring to. “Hm?”

“That day, when you confessed to me, you already hinted at leaving, didn’t you?” Jin didn’t reply, but Yuichi didn’t wait for him to do so. “I should have noticed back then, but I wasn’t sure and brushed it off. Why though?”

“Why did I hint at leaving?” Jin’s head tilted to the side, as if pondering. “I don’t know… it just slipped out of my mouth.”

“I don’t understand you.” Yuichi said, frowning. “Why would you bother telling me what you felt for me, when you knew that at that time I was with Kame, and that I wasn’t going to return your feelings? Heck, you even told me to be with Kame after I broke it off with him. Why did you confess then? Why didn’t you just keep those feelings to yourself? Why did you have to let me know?”

Silence fell upon them. Yuichi wasn’t even sure what made him confront Jin like that. For the past month he had tried to pretend that nothing was wrong and everything was going to be all right. But it wasn’t.

There were so many things Yuichi wanted to know, he realised, so many things he wanted to ask Jin. And it felt as if he had to ask now or he would never have the chance to do so in future.

“It’s because I’m selfish.” Jin’s voice broke his thoughts. “I wanted to know what you felt for me. I wanted to know if I mattered to you, even if I wasn’t the one that was most important to you. I wanted you to look at me just every once in a while.”

“Jin…”

“Most of all, I wanted you to know because I wanted you to feel guilty about not being able to return my feelings. And I knew you would feel bad about it, because you’re you. You’ll care about how I felt. You always cared about others’ feelings. It’s… it’s one of the things I love about you the most.”

“Jin-”

“Don’t worry. I’m not leaving because of you.” Jin stated in a serious tone. “You’re not that important.”

Yuichi snorted. “Thanks. I feel so relieved.”

Jin smiled, and was about to leave when Yuichi held him back.

“You better come back.”

“Six months, it should pass by quickly right?”

“Promise me.” Yuichi said, before adding quickly. “It’s for the sake of the group."

“I’ll be back as long as you still want me.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Yuichi remarked, pretending not to notice the hidden meaning behind Jin’s words. “…We’ll be waiting for you.”

* * * * *

  
_20th April 2007…_   


“Will you please calm down?” Kazuya sighed as he stared at Yuichi who was seated next to him on the sofa. This was the day that Jin was back, though the latter hadn’t arrived yet. It seemed to Kazuya that Yuichi had ants in his clothes the way the older man couldn’t stop moving.

“I’m calm.” Yuichi claimed.

“Well if you’re calm would you stop fidgeting so much then?”

“I always fidget. You know it’s one of my bad habits.”

“Yes, but you’re fidgeting more than usual.”

“It’s Taguchi’s fault!” Yuichi protested just as said person made a loud sound while he played one of his numerous computer games. “See, he’s being so loud today, it’s making me irritated.”

“I’m sure even if he was as quiet as a mouse you’ll still be like that.” Kazuya rolled his eyes. “You’re acting like a teenage boy, all nervous on his first date with the girl of his dreams.”

“Urusai. You’re exaggerating.” Yuichi replied defensively. “I’m just glad that we’re back to being six again.”

“Is that so?” Kazuya asked sardonically. “Do me a favour though. Would you get out of the room and walk around to calm yourself down, because your endless fidgeting is starting to get on my nerves.”

Yuichi made a face, sticking his tongue out at Kazuya, before getting up and heading towards the door.

“Ne, Nakamaru.”

“Hm?”

“You’re such a lucky guy to have Jin.”

“Urusai!” Yuichi shouted back, before walking out.

As he walked along the corridor, Yuichi started muttering to himself about how Kazuya should stop making such comments since there was absolutely nothing going on between him and Jin, not paying attention to what was ahead of him and thus bumping into someone.

“Itai yo, Nakamaru!”

Yuichi looked up upon hearing that familiar voice. “Ah… A-Akanishi, long time no see.”

“We just saw each other when the group went up to New York the last time.” Jin pointed out, before grinning widely. “Did you miss me already?”

Turning around, Yuichi started walking back towards their room, deliberately ignoring Jin’s question. “C’mon let’s go. The guys are all waiting for you.”

“Hey, you haven’t answered my question.” Jin protested as he hurried to catch up with Yuichi. “Oi. Nakamaru, Nakamaru.”

“Nani?”

“I still like you.”

Yuichi paused in mid-step, holding back a smile that was threatening to appear. He pretended to be deep in thought, before turning to look Jin. “If we get together, and we break up later, we won’t be able to remain as friends you know.”

Jin blinked, very sure that he had heard that line before. Chuckling, he reached out his hand, pinching Yuichi’s cheek. “Too bad for you, but you’re stuck with me forever.”

Yuichi smacked Jin’s arm away, rubbing his cheek. “Didn’t you ask me to pretend that you didn’t exist?”

“Well you tried to and found it impossible, didn’t you?” Jin said with a smug look.

“…”

“Don’t worry, it’s perfectly understandable.”

* * * * *

  
_the end._  



End file.
